The worst part about fiction is the fact that we want – so badly – to believe it holds truth. That maybe, possibly, happy endings do exist after all. But there are no happy endings. I know. Reality is always so much more complicated.
Still, the heart yearns for the impossible. Simply because that is the way we humans are made. Always reaching towards the stars, hoping for a miracle – even if most of us do not admit it on a conscious level. Some of them may not even be aware of it subconsciously.
But life does not have happy endings, because sooner or later someone dies. That’s the end of it and usually not a very happy occasion for those who are left behind. We only have a certain lifespan to be happy – some longer and others only a very short one. And then, well, it’s actually not about happiness after all. No one can be constantly happy. What we can be is content and – if we are really lucky – loved.
So why waste life with the case of happiness – or approval, jealousy and rage. It’s not worth it and I know I’m a little hypocrite writing this. But at least I try, will do from now on. Because everything is meaningless if it only makes you bitter and fills your heart with doubts. Life is simply too short for all the petty games, poisonous words and silly games. It is too short to waste it with regrets or fear.
This is why I finally decided to stop pretending. Stop the bullshit on every level in my life, though with some parts it takes a little longer than with others. Some might think it weird or wannabe – but I do read, write, even think, dream and feel in English most of the time anyway. So why keep on pretending? If I could, I’d be off the German speaking parts of this world in a heartbeat.
I will try to write my own happy endings from now on. And I know it sounds a bit ridiculous, but I need the false pretense of fiction to keep me sane. My fictional happy endings are all I’ve got. All I never want to say or feel again is this: “I just wanted a little more time.” There might be heartbreak, loneliness and regrets – but no more wasted time!
And yeah, on final note: I will continue to love you. There is just no way around it – I simply always did. But I’m done now, waiting for a miracle or look back with bitterness on something that was never meant to be. For I know that there is more for me in this world than just fiction. I just have to find it.