I keep telling myself that it’s going to be okay. Someday it will all be okay. One day I will be like them and find a way to grow into someone I can like. Someone that someone else might like. The problem is that words are so easy but oh so empty if you don’t really believe them, and I really don’t.
I have no idea what it is that’s so wrong with me, but it must be something, because the only thing I am really good at is being alone. It’s not that I don’t like people – I used to have friends and people I liked and dreams and everything. But at some point, it all faded away and I became all I had. Which is terrible if you dislike yourself as much as I do.
It’s easy to blame it on other people. On the boy who broke my heart. On the job I don’t want. On the people who said they were friends and then just turned around and forgot about me. The truth is the boy never broke my heart, he just smashed what was left of my self-esteem to pieces. I do like my job, I’m just bored out of my mind most days. And there are always two sides to every story so maybe there is a reason for those people to go. My mind keeps telling me the reason was me, but I know my mind is a liar most of the time.
The thing is that everyone expects progress – or maybe it’s just me that does, I’m not sure. But everyone else seems to move on, move forward and improve somewhat. Everyone except me. I’m still just as clueless as I have been 10 years ago. I don’t have a big career, I don’t have a family – hell like I said before, I don’t even have friends. So, what is it, that’s so wrong with me? What is it that I keep doing wrong? I don’t know. I really don’t know.
Yes, it sounds like whining and it probably is. But it’s all I can write about which is why I stopped writing a few months ago. I am running around in circles and I don’t see an end to it. I have read tons of books and blogs and the problem with all those good advises is that they are not me. I am not successful, and I am beginning to suspect that I am not really talented either. I am just me and it seems like that is never enough for anyone.