Missed (III)

„Oh god, she’s leaving us!“
He is smiling at me, eyes sparkling.
Oh please don’t do this.
I force myself to return the smile. “Oh no, what shall we do?”
“We’ll have to talk now!”
I look down into my cereal.
Damn, why do you have to be so damn cute all of a sudden? Can’t you just go and torment someone else?
Still kidding yourself I see.
Shut up conscience!
“Fuck. Now what?”
He chuckles, but I refuse to look at him again. The floor toward the kitchen is empty now. No one is going to safe me from this situation.
Please, like it isn’t exactly what you wanted!
Shut up conscience I can’t deal with you now.
“Okay, then. I can tell you something about my cat.”
A mocking smile. “But that’s gonna be small talk!”
“Yeah that’s okay, I can do small talk with you. I’ve known you for a while.”
Another chuckle.
How am I supposed to eat with so many butterflies in my tummy?
“So that changes things?”
I shrug. “Sometimes.”
“Okay, tell me about your cat.”
“Well, she did a somersault yesterday when I got home.”
He laughs.
“Your cat’s name is Selina isn’t it?”
I look up surprised. “Yeah, that’s right.”
“Is it?”
Okay, damn I have to return that smile.
“Yeah it is. You remembered.”
“Well I have known a Selina once.”
And all of a sudden the butterflies are all dead at the bottom of my tummy.
“Did you?” Fuck, still so much cereal left. How will I ever get out of this kitchen?
“Do you want to hear the story about Selina?”
He surprises me again. Never before has he offered a story about himself.
I try to act nonchalant.
“Sure tell me.” I hope my smile is as encouraging as I intend it to be.
Blue eyes sparkle. “Well once, on a holiday myself and a mate met two girls: Laura and Selina. I ended up going out with Laura – I mean afterwards for real. And my friend was interested in Selina. But she had sworn off man and did have a relationship with a girl instead.”
I can’t help it, I have to laugh.
“She had sworn off man?”
“Yeah that’s what she said. Some girls do that.”
I sigh. “I wish it was that easy. If it would, I’d done so a long time ago.”
He looks at me with curious blue eyes. I can’t stand it and break the eye contact. Damn you for being so fucking gorgeous.
“Well, that’s some statement.”
I just shrug.
“All men are pigs!”
Somehow he sounds off now. But I guess I’m just imaging things. Again. Like I did before. Why should he sound off? He’s not interested in me that way.
“No, actually I am the problem not men.”
A quizzing look.
But I do not want to go there.
“Good morning.”
Suddenly another colleague enters the kitchen.
I almost sigh in relief.
Saved!
I really have to be more careful and avoid this kind of conversations.
Whom are you trying to kid anyway? You could’ve just left the kitchen and eaten your cereal in front of your computer like you normally do.
Shut up conscience!
Yeah, that’s going to help!
It’s got to because there is no other alternative. I have to get past this ridiculous crush. He is not interested. Girlfriend, remember?
I do – tell your heart to do so as well.
I am trying.