So maybe I should just grab the damn phone and call you? But what if she answers? What if I fuck it up once again?
Too many “what ifs” – I know I should do something instead. It’s just that the longer I think about it, the more reasons for not doing anything pop into my head. I watched you go once and it broke everything inside me. There are still some broken fragments left inside of me and yeah I guess they will keep being that way.
You are not coming back. That you made very clear seven years ago. And this time you did stick to it – burned a bridges down right behind you. And me? I didn’t do anything. I just moved on and buried a huge dream along with it.
But dreams never truly vanish. No, they continue to haunt you especially if they’re as old as this one. So now what am I going to do?
Another stupid out of control idea just vaporized right before my eyes. Now I have to watch another silly daydream haunting me every time.
It’s my own fault I know that because once again I didn’t have the courage to voice my feelings. Maybe it would have made a difference maybe not. Right now I have to live with the fact that my doing nothing just broke my heart again.
And as always this brings me right back to you. Once I again I did start talking about you. Very little but still – it has been a very long time since I last mentioned you.
Of course they don’t know me and they don’t care so they also don’t realize what a huge step this is. Sometimes it’s a blessing that my true friends are what seem to be oceans away.
But the truth still remains: I miss you.
Every day and every time a little bit more.
Actually it’s almost reached the point where I’m on the verge of doing something really stupid.
But why not be stupid once again. I lost you because of my stupidity so what does it really matter if I continue walking down that path.
You can’t lose what’s already left after all.