I intended to never do it again in the future, but somehow it did happen again. Now I’m stuck here and don’t know how to make it stop. A look in the mirror shows the same sad face above the same ugly body it always did, and I really ask myself: Why? Why am I doing this to myself again? It doesn’t make any sense.
While I’m at it I start counting all the reasons as to why you won’t even ever look my way, and the more I put my mind to it, the more come to mind. I don’t want this, I really don’t. I’m fine on my own. Nobody gets that but it’s the way I am. I hate myself enough for a legion – there’s no need having somebody in my life that’ll come to hate me just as much. And they always do. And why am I starting to think all this crazy shit anyway, you are going to have a girlfriend and all this is going to be pointless.
Why am I writing all of this? Because love is bullshit, because it doesn’t give a damn whether I want it in my life or not. I had my chance once and actually, I never asked for a second one. After all this years I haven’t been able to get past the damage caused by the first one. And yes, I know: If you don’t love yourself nobody else will. But I’m disgusted with everything I am. I just can’t help that.
Love is bullshit. So much bullshit. It forces you to leave your safe net of habit and makes you wish for more. More than just friends. More than loneliness. More than silent dreams. More than anything that ever was there before. This is what my rampage is all about. I want more now than I did a few weeks ago and all it took was one little smile. It drives me crazy – a bit crazier than I already am – and still I can’t change it. Love doesn’t care about logic or sanity.