I know exactly who I am, but I have always been spending a lot of time inside my head. And still, sometimes I realize just how much of a filter I’ve been putting over my personality or just how comfortable the mask has become. Every time I’m meeting with someone who truly knows a lot about me it surprises me, just how different I really am from the everyday person I pretend to be. I’m not sure if that is a good sign, but I’m guessing it’s not.
How many people are real? Like, REALLY real? And how many became lost behind something the created to survive this world? And when do you think they stopped realizing that? How much time passes before an act becomes reality? Of course, I know people change. Priorities change – even dreams do. But I thought, only on the outside. Maybe I’m a little too naïve after all.
The thing is I don’t want to live behind a mask or always talk through a filter. It’s not that I want to hurt others or snub somebody. But sometimes it feels like I’m choking on my politeness. It feels like I’m no longer myself most of the time. I guess when I buried everything that hurt too much to think of it, a huge part of me was buried along with it.
It still surfaces from time to time and surprises me. But what if one day that will stop? I do not want to be someone I pretend to be. Or become nothing behind a mask. Or talk only trivia in fear of bruising somebody’s ego. It’s not about being easy or pretending after all.